2023 Recap
I had so many adventures planned for 2023. Thailand, Vietnam Mexico, Colombia, Europe I was going to scale every wall to my ability and wrestle every pebble 2023 had very different plans for me. Adventure of a different kind, a journey. One that tested not only my physical abilities, but my mental fortitude. My body and mind pushed to the edge of their limits and beyond. I did not send any v10s or Climb 514s but I definitely sent a project of a lifetime.
Buckle up! It was quite a ride!
On the evening of December 28, 2022, something felt off. Maybe I partied too hard for Christmas and my birthday; a heavy spell of vertigo hit me and I couldn’t even make it to my bed…
December 30, 2022 before the sun woke up, I found out that I would be bringing a life into this world. I was filled with so much excitement, fear, happiness and grief at the same time. It was confusing… I was filled with so many conflicting emotions that aren’t really talked about and I didn’t know how to navigate them all. I stopped bouldering as soon as I found out, but there was no way I was going to give up Climbing altogether.
Giving up bouldering was hard but the fear of a fall affecting the pregnancy took over. The idea of falling was enough to shake my confidence so I stuck with ropes. Mom instincts kicked in early.
The first trimester brought along morning sickness 70% of my days, but surprisingly I still felt strong on the wall. I lead climbed until I was 17 weeks before accepting my top rope fate and by 20 weeks I was solely top roping with the occasional lead in something very easy. My ego was crying. Then the grief came knocking.
I was grieving the loss of the life I had before a child. I was never not going to be a mother ever again. Not to say I can’t do all the things I did before, but it will forever be so different
I mourned for the loss of the “groove” I had. While absolutely incredible, there are so many things couldn’t do due to pregnancy; so many things I could not eat; places I couldn’t go. I couldn’t help but have that feeling of missing out. Of course, I looked to the bright side of things and make the best of it, but it doesn’t dismiss the feelings I had.
I grieved the loss of the body I worked so hard for. People always say “oh you’ll bounce back” but that’s not the point. In that moment, for the next year at least, I won’t be as slim, or as fit or as strong. As I progressed into this new phase of my life, decades of training felt like they were slipping away. But looking on the bright side, I was climbing with a 40lb weight vest so that meant my fingers would stay strong, right?
It wasn’t all bad tho… I was still climbing and having fun doing it!!
Losing my axis, my center of gravity began to shift as my feet slowly disappeared behind my ever growing belly. Before I knew it, seeing my feet was a luxury reserved for sitting down. I was learning to climb all over again with my new body and my new belly.
At 170 pounds, anything with the slightest overhang felt like I had a gorilla hanging off my waist. With all of that weight over my toes, slab was my new best friend!!
As we try to navigate these overwhelmingly complicated emotions as a pregnant athlete, we consistently hear that we are doing something miraculous and that we will bounce back. We know… it’s not that we don’t. Although, we might or might not depending on how recovery goes. It felt as if our grief is being minimized or dismissed in an attempt to make us feel better. While the intention is appreciated, we just need to grieve. I just needed to grieve.
Once I allowed myself the grace to feel what I was feeling and started loving the way I looked in the mirror again, I was on a pregnancy high! Adjusting to my new body, I was climbing strong and having fun again! Even if it was only on top rope. Climbing at least two times a week, I was getting outside as much and as often as the California summer would allow.
After an epic maternity photo shoot climbing a wall by the ocean at 8 months pregnant and doing my final outdoor climb at 37 weeks I was both ready and not ready to pop this baby out. Up until now, I just had to worry about keeping myself alive to keep baby alive… once he was out, I would be solely responsible for a whole other human. It was daunting. On the other hand, I couldn’t wait to meet him, hold him in my arms and take him on all the adventures.
40 weeks, 2 days, 24 hours of labor and a C-Section later, my baby was here and exhausted was an understatement. I was lucky if I got 30 minutes to an hour of sleep every 2 hours between feeding the baby and having the nurses doing nurse things! For 6 weeks I couldn’t lift anything heavier than my baby. My workouts consisted of standing up from the couch, sitting back down, walking and bouncing my baby to sleep. Occasionally, I would add in a sway or a dance to change it up a bit. Once the doctor gave me the green light to resume physical activity, I was back on the wall. Having climbed my entire pregnancy, I was confident that getting back to the swing of things was going to be a cinch. Boy was I wrong...
Apparently, having a baby cut out takes more of a toll than expected. Who would have thought… My first day back on the wall was ROUGH. I felt like I was like starting over again; discouraging. My incision twinges when I least expect it and 2 boulder problems were more than I could handle on a vertical wall. I couldn’t even do a pull up let alone hang on an overhang. Mentally, it was tough to handle. “I have fallen so far… will I ever get it back” I thought. After a few sessions, the muscle and tendon memory kicked in and I am feeling like I will be back up to speed in no time with my little guy in tow! PHEW!
What a wild ride this year has been. As I sit here writing this, my beautiful baby boy’s beaming smile is staring at me and I know it was all worth it and my best adventures are yet to come!
